Random Crap (Return of the Crap)

Paige: Oath you forgot one very important flashback...

Oath: Oh?..... *facepalm* Damn Desert Warriors lack of activity that causes awkwardly placed flashbacks!

Raven: Let's be real. Can you really criticize anyone else's activity?

Oath: ...... -______-

Tess: She might have a point. I still hate you though, Raven.

Raven: Not entirely necessary but you are entitled to your opinion.

Tess: You can take your opinion and shove it... (grabs knife)

Merrick: OOOKAY (Grabs knife from Tess and holds her arm) Let's change the subject shall we?

Oath: Why are you people so prone to violence?

Voltair: It's the setting Hope created. Everyone behaves like power mad children.

Gerik: Truth! Anyway you should probably put in my flashback now.

Oath: Sigh... okay fine. Here we go...

Book 1- Divine Fuckery: Chaotic Crap
Chapter 3: Awkwardly placed flashback in place of the chapter I originally planned on.

Atticus stares out the window in proper brooding as his norm.

Squire: Sir

Atticus: Yes?

Squire: A young gentleman requests an audience. He is super young and speaks with a foreign accent. Have you been attending that 'special' brothel again?

Atticus: What!? G... good god man! Of course not. Do not speak such preposterous nonsense. *clearly flustered* Who is it?

Squire: The handsome young man claims to the the prince of another kingdom.

Atticus: Yes, which one?

Squire: You know... I dont know. It's south of us.

Atticus: Ah! Yes of course. Send him in.

Squire: Okay you can enter your highness.

Gerik: Thanks?

Squire: Presenting Prince Gerik of no-name-land!

Gerik: What? My country has a name!

Atticus: It does? Oh our apologies. Please, enlighten us.

*Awkward silence*

Gerik: Um...... Oh my god! *realizing the name of his country has never been uttered once by either the GM or the country's creator*

Atticus: *Clears throat awkwardly* Yes... um... anyway why are you here my child?

Gerik: Okay so long story short, I kind of banged a peasant girl multiple times and I guess my dad is like super not thrilled with my girlfriend. So I'm pretty much super grounded. Which is a bummer because he like took away my cellphone and I'm also banished to your shitty country until I can learn how to grow up and be a proper ruler or some shit. And I'd like to get this banishment over as soon as possible because I miss my hot girlfriend. But I saw your daughter training in the courtyard downstairs and she has a really nice rack so-

Atticus: *growing impatient* Okay! Cool story. Now what does that have to do with me?

Gerik: Oh yeah. I need to learn more about your country. Where should I go to do that quickly?

Atticus: *sinister plotting* oh... I know where you should go *manacle chuckle*

Gerik: Oh really? That would be awesome bro. Where should I go?

Atticus: There is a small village in the mountains north of here. It is full of enlightened and brilliant people. Go there immediately and also leave all of your weapons behind. Because it is the only way to reach true enlightenment.

Gerik: Oh... okay that makes sense. Bye dude! *Leaves*

Squire: .... Dude..... *shocked*

Atticus: What?

Squire: Did you seriously just send that kid to the village you just scheduled to be slaughtered for their religious beliefs?

Atticus: .... Yes.

Squire: And instructed him to leave all of his weapons behind?

Atticus: Obviously.

Squire: Don't you think sending the son of a foreign monarch to his death in your country is a bad diplomatic call?

Atticus: It all won't matter in the long run. Make sure he dies and then we can use his body to get into their country. Which I need for reasons I can't disclose at this time for plot reasons.

Squire: Uhhhh.... okay. *walks away somewhat uncomfortable*

Later Gerik meets Claire. I"m going to skip writing this scene because I'm lazy and also because I couldn't find a comedic way to address when Gerik walks into a slaughtered and burnt city to find one lone survivor that is a little girl who witnessed it all and is probably traumatized for life. Thought I'd leave that one alone. Anyway This one is short but it's here. See you guys whenever I have time again.

 

Lucius walks through the halls of the castle with squared shoulders like a real man with a sword and everything. Not even like a rusty old clamor, it was all sparkly and hard in the face of combat like a true work of war-art. The weapon surged in it's sheath as the mighty warrior made his glorious sparkly(in a manly way) way to the Emperors throne room for a private audience. Which could only mean one thing: He was about to be sent back onto the battlefield. All of the glories of war would soon be his again. Like murdere.
On his way to the emperor's chambers, Lucius passed the ever so lovely Raven. The woman so encompassed trying to find the past, she had no vision for the future. It was truly a shame. She was one hell of a fighter, but always pushed the young princess in the ways of peace. As he passed her, Lucius stuck his thumb on his nose and wiggled his fingers at Raven, a sign of true respect among warriors. Raven's response was to simply nod. How boring.

The warrior strode into the emperor's chambers full of confidence and bravado.

Lucius: "PREPARE THE ROYAL ANUS!"

Atticus: Excuse me?

Lucius: *Ahem...* Are we not playing that game?

Atticus: *Clears throat*

Servant: I'll leave now.

Atticus: Yes... that will be all. begone.

Servant: Leaves awkwardly.

Atticus: *Now that they are alone* PREPARE THE OLD GIRL FOR BATTLE!

*Both men do a battle cry that includes looking to the ceiling and wagging their tongues while making a high pitched WOOOOOO sound. Except of course their tongues are out and spazzing so it sounds more like "WOOOLOOLOOOLOOO but that's beside the point.*

Lucius: My liege, you have summoned me. What can I do to serve you on this fine day.

Atticus: Brother, our Amazonian friend is screwing this war up. I need you to go and rake his ass over the coals. Can you do that for me?

Lucius: With pleasure sir.

Atticus: Excellent. Also, I'm sending my daughter out to do things. You are not to assist her but, she is under your command.

Lucius: That literally makes no sense.

Atticus: Good talk. Bye now.

Lucius: Okay I shall leave presently sir.

Atticus: Oh, I also need you to-

Lucius: MURDER!?

Atticus: What? No you silly man. A message was sent out from the castle that wasn't supposed to be sent. I need you to intercept it.

Lucius: Birder?

Atticus:.... Yes... birder *Dark expression*

Lucius: YES! *strides to go out and slay the falcon carrying the unwanted message*

*****

Raven stormed through the castle in a sour mood. How dare that emperor guy go and try to demand marriage of her. It was like he wanted her to stay in the family or some shit. Fuck. that. she had more important things to do like find her real family... hoping they weren't like a gang of clowns or something.

Pagie: That's racist.

Oath: No it's not clown is not a race.

Pennywise: We all float....

Oath: GET THE FUCK OUT!

Pennywise: Ohhhhhh.... *shlumps out sadly*

Paige: Ahem... okay where were we...

Raven thoughts: I mean... yeah... I don't trust him. But he isn't the worst looking man in the world. Plus, he has a point about Jaxx. I hate to say it, but I definitely don't hate her entirely. Plus as his wife I'd have some say, maybe even be able to make positive changes for the world around me other than in the battle field and by raising the brat. *sigh* but I just... he freaks me out for some reason okay.

Random Child: He's a dick.

Raven: EEK! Where the hell did you come from?

Random child: I come from your worst nightmare!

Raven: You come from New Dawn 5?

Random Child: No god what the hell are you on about?

Raven: "Rai" *cringes*

Random Child: I'm from McDonalds... where everything tastes great but then goes straight to your hips if you're an adult.

Raven: Ahhh of course. That makes sense.

Random Child: Anyway, i'm here to warn you about something important.

Raven: That the dollar menu is a scam?

Random Child: Stop interrupting me woman!

Raven: Sorry... *pouts*

Random Child: If you continue to search for what you seek by searching, you shall find the thing you seek. But should you seek and find the sought thing during the reign of the storm emperor, it shall be destroyed.

Raven: What does that even mean?

Random Child: Bye bitch.

Raven: OOKAY COOL BYE! *clearly freaked out*

Just then a bunch of soldiers appeared next to Raven conveniently.

Soldier 1: Hey soldier 2

Soldier 2: Yes soldier 1

Soldier 1: I noticed we're standing right next to Raven the Archangel. The woman the emperor fancies. The one with the face that clearly belongs to Raven the Archangel.

Soldier 2: Astute observation Soldier 1. We are indeed standing next to the one and only Raven. Her beauty is unmistakable. That is without a doubt Raven.

Soldier 1: Okay, I am glad we have both come to the conclusion that we are both standing next to Raven the Archangel, whom is beautiful and the emperor fancies. And above all does not want to learn of any of the more shady shit that happens in this castle like kidnapping for example.

Soldier 2: Indeed. So while in ear shot of the lovely fancied Raven we should avoid talking about that thing that is happening in the dungeons involving Kidnapping.

Soldier 1: Without a doubt soldier 2! That would be inconceivable! Heaven forbid she overhears us talking about a young girl living and facing torture in our dungeons in secret for years! Or that we are headed to her cell right now!

Soldier 2: Quite right Soldier 1! She might do something stupid like I don't know FOLLOW US! or something...

Soldier 1: We are so smart for having this conversation. Let's carry on now. Lots of work to do. Dum de dum de dum

The soldiers walk off humming a marry tune

Raven: Well... that was weird. But what the hell, it's not like I have anything better to do. *Follows the soldiers in super Raven stealth mode*

*******

Meanwhile on an icy mountain top

Gerik: Ah Ah Ah AH! *giving chest compressions to an unconscious little girl* Stay ALLLLIIIIIIIIIIE!

Girl: Cought

Gerik: Oh hey you're alive.

Girl: THERE WERE MONSTERS AND SCARY SHIT

Gerik: LANGUAGE

Girl: There were monsters and scary..... crap?

Gerik: Better. Now stand up young lady. We have to walk.

Girl: Where? Who are you?

Gerik: I saved your life. now we are going to wander the country so I can learn how to be a real man.

Girl: That's nice I guess. But are you sure this is an appropriate mission to bring a child along?

Gerik: *considers it* Pshhhhhhh of course it is. We're only going to battle a few monsters and maybe run into a princess who has a nice rack and get wrapped up in war drama. What could possibly go wrong in bringing a child who is also weighed down by crippling ptsd.

Girl: If you say so. What's your name anyway?

Gerik: Muh name gurik.

Girl: Oh... muh name Clair.

********

Another meeting. Damn these first chapters were boring.

Jaxx: HI Dad

Atticus: HI Daughter

Jaxx: What the fuck do you want? Oath is tired of writing meetings.

Atticus: Well sod this infamous oath person! I'm tired of having meetings. But it's all Hope's fault. She wrote me in the beginning. It was only after Oath's revamp did I get all sexy and interesting.

Jaxx: Oh my god that's so interesting I forgot to care. Now what do you want?

Atticus: How was your day?

Jaxx: Really dad?

Atticus: *stares intently at daughter* How was school?

Jaxx: Raven threw a book at my face.

Atticus: I know. She's so hot isn't she?

Jaxx: Do you even hear yourself? The tutor you hired abused me! I am BATTERED!

Atticus: Well whatever next time catch the book stupid.

Jaxx: .... oh... I hadn't thought of that. *a whole new world of possibility has been opened to Jaxx's prospective. She wonders how much shit she'd be in if she caught the book next time and threw it AT RAVEN INSTEAD MWAHAHAHA OH THE POWER!*

Atticus: Oh and speaking of Raven, she's leaving. But don't worry she's going to be my new wifey later so that's neat.

Jaxx: Dream on dad.

Atticus: well whatever. Anyway While she's gone I have a mission for you. You know that one time I killed an entire monarch family save for one little girl whom I stuffed into the dungeon in secret for the past five years? yeah... Imma need you to kill her now. Steal her power and then go find an invincible warrior by the name of Titan of the some shit and capture him. For reasons.

Jaxx: What?

Atticus: Don't ask questions. Just do it.

Jaxx: How will killing her help me steal her power?

Atticus: Honestly, I don't know. Hope did away with your power steal by murder ability so now this whole scene is a massive plot hole in which I send you to kill your former classmate for no reason.

Jaxx: And I'm still going to do it?

Atticus: Why not?

Jaxx: ..... mmmkay I'll do it.

Atticus: That's the spirit. Whose my good girl!? *pats Jaxx's head*

Jaxx: Daaaaaaaaaaaaad!

 

Paige: *lounges in bath reading a book... which she doesn't seem to care or notice is upside down. She hums a merry tune while a random organization xiii coat hangs in the background.*

BANG! Door flies open.

Paige: AAAH! What the flying... *Turns to investigate to see Oath in the doorway.*

Oath: Hi

Paige: Wha- What the hell are you doing back so soon. In my house no less!?

Oath: I'm bored. Let's work on a new chapter.

Paige: Already? I wasn't expecting you for another year as per usual.

Oath: Are you wanning? Really? Is that wanning I hear?

Paige: Well... no... but I'm a little bit naked right now. Can it wait for a minute? Go find Hope or something so she can help you put it on the forum.

Oath: UGH. Fine. You're so unreasonable! *door slams*

Paige: *Sigh*

****A moment later******

Hope drives home from work covered in blood and tears. When her phone rings.

Hope: Yay someone wants to talk to me! I hope it's Kai.

Caller ID: Oath

Hope: Nevermind.... I don't want to talk to anyone. *Puts phone down*

Phone: Rings again..... and again.... and again.... it's reaching spam levels.

Hope: Fine! God. *Answers* Hello?

Oath: What are you doing?

Hope: Driving. Can I help you.

Oath: I'm bored.

Hope: How unfortunate for you.

Oath: Fix it

Hope: No?

Oath: *Laughs* Oh you're so funny. But seriously. We're working on a chapter tonight.

Hope: Already?

Oath: Is that wanning? Really are you wanning right now?

Hope: That's not going to work this time.

Oath: Oooh look at me I'm Hope the wanny.

Hope: Very mature.

Oath: The wanny wan who is to selfish and busy wanning to help her cousin out of a time of crisis.

Hope: Boredom isn't a crisis.

Oath: Please?

Hope: Fine. *Sigh* but I'm a little busy right now. Can it wait like ten minutes?

Oath: Fine! Why is everyone so unreasonable today *click*

Hope: Did you really just hang up on me? *phone line buzzes in response*

Hope: Sigh... she did.

********Ten minutes later******

Paige: *yawns* okay... narration.... so... yeah. Oath wanted to write again so here we go. I'm not doing the voice tonight. I'm too tired.

Jaxx stomps through the castle dungeon toward Lilith's cell.

Jaxx: Man, this blows. Dad is like totally ruining my life. I was supposed to go to a party tonight with my friends but now I had to be lame and cancel again to kill Lilith. Ugh flaking on this party is like social suicide. I"m basically dying tonight. Dad is the worst.

Officer Neener: *laughter* and then I said neener neener you don't have to pay taxes...

Other guard: Oh man dude you crack me up *laughs*

Both guards clam up as Jaxx approaches.

Neener: What? No. We weren't singing to Lilith again. Were you singing to Lilith again? That's preposterous!

Jaxx: *Looks entirely unconvinced but ignores his derping* Just give me the keys.. idiot. And then go away. Don't come back tonight.

Neener: Of course ma'am. *Opens door and then both men leave in a rush. gabbing about Azureth Idol and possibly being able to go to the tavern*

Jaxx: Sighs in angst. Well... I guess here goes nothing. I shall draw my trusty sword and murder a bitch. *gets sword, opens door, walks in.*

MARY SUE ENTRANCE TIME! A random voice sings as Jaxx is suddenly attacked full frontal. She barely manages to get her sword in front of her to be caught in a deadlock that pushed her against the wall next to the door. That's when she came face to face with, her attacker. "Raven?!"

Raven: Surprise mothafucka *she puts her sword down and closes the door to the cell* Now... care to tell me why there is a child in your daddy's dungeon?

Jaxx: It's none of your business. God Raven why are you always breathing down my neck. You're not my mooooooom.

Raven: *Slaps Jaxx* Listen here you little shit. Surprisingly enough, I don't hate you. But this is some weirdness that might change that. So I'm going to need you to provide a good explanation for this fuckery, like now.

Jaxx: *Huffs* Fiiiiine. My dad didn't like her dad and there was some politics and stuff so he killed him. Lilith is in prison because she tore the city in half the day her dad died... she's a bit melodramatic like that....

Lilith: Excuse me!?

Jaxx: Stay out of this!

LIlith: Okay.....

Jaxx: Anyway so like anyway my dad thinks I should kill her now and that's where we are.

Raven: So your dad is passing the death penalty to a child at least five years after the crime took place... and sending his teenage daughter to carry out the sentance?

Jaxx: Yeah... and your point is?

Raven: The one who gives the sentance should always be the one to swing the sword.

Jaxx: Oookay Rob Stark.... Now if you would exuse me... *Tries to brush past Raven*

Raven *Trips Jaxx*

Jaxx: Oof! Okay bitch. Do you want to die!?

Raven: You're seriously going to do it? Do you not see how this is wrong on a number of levels?

Jaxx: Well I mean... it's kind of weird. But what am I supposed to do. If dad sees Lilith alive tomorrow he's totally going to kill me and tapdance on my grave. I don't want my friends to see my dad tap dance. That would be so embarassing. I would die!

Raven: ???? OKay... Anyway why do you want to do what your dad tells you anyway. That's boring. We should do something more fun tonight.

LIlith: I'd rather not get murdered too.

Raven: Didn't Jaxx tell you to shut up?

Lilith: oookay

Jaxx: Fine. What do you suggest I do?

Raven: Let's break her out. *like a teenage rebel*

Jaxx: Are you crazy? My dad will totally eat me alive.

Raven: But imagine the look on his face when he realizes she's gone. It would be awesome.

Jaxx: You make a good point. Okay let's do it.

**** Menwhile******

Kable: Finally good golly hopkins that took too long! *riding his horse into Sax*

Oath: You getting to Sax or you coming back into the story?

Kable: Both?

Oath: Fair enough. Carry on!

Horse: Neighs

Kable: Why do you insist on speaking like that all the time? Go find water yourself you aren't a baby!

Horse: WOOOW Excuse me! *bucks Kable off* When you're ready to apologize, I'll be in my trailer. *Prances off*

Kable: Fine. Who needs you. *Muttering while rubbing sore back.*

Prisoner: Laughs.

Kable: Excuse the hell out of you. Do you want some of this too?

Prisoner: *Abruptly stops*

Kable: That's what I thought. *the two make their way to a building deep in the city. As they walked, Kable heard a familiar voice*

???: Kabes? Kabes is that you?

Kable: Ugh *eyes roll to the back of his head and he turns to face the one who is speaking. His suspision confirmed* Lucius... what a pleasant surprise *sarcasm evident* Don't know how you manged to do that though. That armor is so sparkly you look like a god damn Cullen

Lucius: I know right? It's beautiful! What brings you here?

Kable: Bringing this trash *shoves the bandit* To Sax with the rest of the filth where it belogs.

Lucius: Ahaha you with the jokes. When are you coming back to the army?

Kable: Uhhhhh.... Good question. How about on the same day that you get a life?

Lucius: Good talk as always, Son. Let's do this again sometime. *Raven stifles a laugh as she watches in the distance*

Kable: Mhmmmm *grabs bandit* Let's go. *The two walk into the building Kable was walking to*

Secretary: Welcome to bountys r us. What the fuck do you want?

Kable: Pay me please? *hands over prisoner and bounty papers*

Secretary: Ugh... fine. Here you go. Now get out.

Kable: Customer service is impecable as usual Gertrude.

Secretary: Piss off!

Kable: Yes Sir... I mean Ma'am... oh geez....

*Kable runs out the door as a knife follows with deadly precision from the hand of the offended old secretary* Well that was fun... oh well... *handles purse, weighing it in his hand* TO THE TAVERN.

*******

Paige: Oath has deemed the Lilith escape sequence too boring to repeat. So we're skipping it with a summary. Lilith was ungrateful as shit and demanded she would not leave without her father's bisento. Jaxx just so happened to know where it was. So Raven agreed to escort Lilith out of the castle while Jaxx went back to get the bisento. There was a comical sequence where Raven used her powers to make Lilith look like someone else, much shorter. But Lilith still had to tiptoe and crouch under doorways like a person her size normally would which looked funny because she appeared to be just barely shorter than Raven. Anyway, they went to a tavern and Raven knew she wouldn't be able to escort Lilith any further so she set out to find help. That's when she found a sketchy figure outside the tavern. She recognizes him from the encounter with Lucius earlier.

Raven: Leaving a child with a possibly considerably high bounty on her head with a mercenary. Good idea Raven. *Self five* At least he says he has a moral code....

*walks up to Kable*

Raven: Hi

Kable: Boobs

Raven: Excuse you?

Kable: I mean... hi pretty girl... I mean pretty great weather we're having ha ha ha *scratches back of head awkwardly*

Raven: I mean... yeah it's nice I guess. You're a mercenary right? Because if so I have a job for you.

Kable: A mercenary and a damn good man. What can I do for you?

Raven: Well, you see, what I need is private. We'll have to go somewhere more quiet. You follow?

Kable: Maybe but I'm pretty sure I'm wrong.

Raven: Just follow me. *Walks into inn. Kable follows*

Raven: Ok, so I need you to smuggle someone out of the city to safety. She's being hunted and she's injured. What would that cost me?

Kable: Who is hunting her?

Raven: The empire.

Kable: Is the girl hot??

Raven: What kind of question is that?

Kable: Well if she's unpleasant to look at, AND it's that hard of a job it will cost you extra.

Raven: The class of this country never ceases to amaze me.

Kable: I joke. It won't be an easy job, and so it will not come cheap. But seriously who is she?

Raven: Lilith Newgate.

Kable: Okay, am I being punked?

Raven: No, you are most certainly not. Take her to somewhere, do not tell me where. I will pay you extra for not telling anyone who she is... oh and also my companion is coming. Don't let her see your face.

Kable: Okayyyy shit..... *scrambles to find a way to hide his face. He left his cool cloak on his saddle with his horse.... sees a cake on the table in front of him* Aha! *slams face into cake* she'll never see me now! *voice muffled by cake. He leaves his face there and listens intently*

Jaxx: Raven... why is your friend doing that?

Raven: Uhhhh, he's got a really nagging sweet tooth. Anyway, don't pay him any mind. Did you bring the thing?

Jaxx: Yeah It's here. I'm going back before dad get's suspicious. What is your plan? Where is Lilith?

Raven: Now don't you worry your pretty little mind about that. *puts arm around Jaxx and starts to lead her to the door of the inn* I'll take care of everything. Don't ask questions you know I'm not going to answer. Just go tell your dad I'll be back soon and that poor Lilith is dead.

Jaxx: You don't trust me to know where you're sending her do you?

Raven: Not even a little bit. *Puts Jaxx's hood back up over her eyes and shoves her back into the street* Bye now. *Walks back to Kable* Okay... you can come out of there now.

Kable: AAAAAAAAAH *Gasps for air as he finally brings his head up, covered in cake and icing* So anyway *behaves badass still even though he's covered in sweetness* how do you plan on paying me once I've taken your problem off of your hands?

Raven: *Hands Kable a purse* There is money in here.

Kable: You don't say?

Raven: Consider it an allowance and an advance. Take the girl far away from here. In one months time, I will come find you and we will discuss payment then.

Kable: Let's revisit a destroyed village that brings me severe PTSD north of here.

Raven: That's weirdly specific. But okay, you have yourself a de-

*meanwhile, a random homeless drunk stumbles up to their table drunkenly giggling and sits next to Kable. Kable side eyes the man suspiciously for a moment before turning his gaze back to Raven as she speaks. Once the attention is off of him, the homeless man lunges forward to lick the cake off of Kable's face.*

Kable: -bAh! *Kable interrupts Raven as he exclaims in disgust and pushes the man away* leave off! *The hobo giggles more and runs away.*

Raven: I will see you in a month then...

Kable: yep. Let's go Lilith.

Lilith: Okay. Raven, can you tell Jaxx I'm in love with her?

Raven: You know she wants to kill you right?

Lilith: I know. Isn't she hot?

Raven: Uhhh sure. Okay. Bye now *leaves*

Kable: So.... we should think of a new name for you. I think once you get your real looks back, and we call you Lilith people will pretty much be able to know you're alive and that will make my job harder.

Lilith: Who cares about your silly job Fool! The entire world shall know Lilith Newgate is alive and ready to kick some atticus ass biscut!

Kable: *Sigh...* this is going to be a pain in my ass. I can already tell.... *as he speaks he feels a wet sensation on his cheek and turns his head to see the cake loving drunk had returned and was once again licking his face.*

Kable: By the gods, man! *shoves the drunken fool* stop licking me you dity hobo!
Horse! Come back and bring a friend. This place is trying my patience it's time to go.

Horse: *voice from nowhere* Are you sorry for being a dick yet?

Kable: Yes I'm so sorry now let's go you diva.

Horse: *Jumps from nearby roof like assassins creed* I can't stay mad at ya ya big lug *uses hoof to pat Kable's head*

Kable: Hey cut it out! *waves hand at horse. Other horse comes out of the shadows*

Other horse: You want me to carry.... her? *Lilith still appears to be normal sized. But horse can sense a heavy bitch*

Kable: Is that wanning? Are you seriously wanning right now?

Other horse: That only works when oath says it.

Kable: Quit bitching and let's go everyone. I've had it with everyones shit today.

 

“Look out, North. It’s unity day.” Finnan skips out of his tent in such jubilation he neerly stumbles on Miena.

“Sweet Zombie Jesus!” Finnan cringes back at the prospect of plowing into Miena.

“Postpone the togetherness” Miena speaks as though she didn’t almost become a pancake with a Finnan boot stamp.

“I don’t like your face in the morning” Finnan pouts. “Your advice is piss.”

“You’re just jealous I don’t need to sleep until noon to be beautiful, shithead.” Miena is unphased by Finnan’s attitude.

“Why were you outside my tent? Do you want to bang? Let’s bang.” Finnan tries to act like he was joking but it’s been a while….

“You wouldn’t give me strong enough sons” Miena states casually

“Whatever. Your ovaries are dumb, anyway.” Finnan pouts. “Now go away.”

“Hold your tongue, Kingy-poo” Miena takes pleasure in Finnan’s pouts. She walks away.

Finnan catches himself reaching up and sticking his tongue out and snapps his fingers while jerking his hand away from it’s tongue-holding path. “Oh nards… she got me again.” he curses then looks about to see if anyone is watching before getting a single finger and reaching for…………………..

………………………………………………….

…………………

Paige: Wait a minute…. Who the heck are these people?

Lilith: Oh! I know this one. Finnan hit Jaxx in the face once.

Finnan: Get over it. It was for dramatic effect.

Jaxx: Yeah yeah whatever hold your tongue.

Finnan: ………………….. THUN OPH A BITHHHHHHHHHH. *Lets go of tongue and pouts once again. * Why does that happen every time. T_T

Paige: But for real. Oath what is this new script? Did we skip a chapter or something? It’s almost like Finnan is a completely new person and we're in an alternate reality where Kai was given more say on what is happening.

Marcus to Alexandros: Are we just going to ignore that she yells at the sky like that all the time?

Paige: I’m not yelling at the sky. I’m yelling through the fourth wall.

Desmond: The what?

Paige: You mean you guys can’t see that?

Voltair: Oh no… it just looks like sky up there. *Exaggerated wave above his head… but his tone is thick with pandering sarcasm*

Finnan: You tiny people confuse me…..

Miena: What doesn’t, big guy? *Smacks Ulric’s chest*

Paige: That reminds me… OATH! I know you’re here or we wouldn’t be here. Now answer me dang it! What’s going on.

Oath: *Yawn* Oh… you rang?

Paige: Cut the crap, dude. What aren’t you telling me?

Oath: Well… You see what happened was Hope restarted the whole thing.

Everyone: What?

Oath: Her big dumb heart wanted to include more people…

Everyone: Mutters in immediate comprehension

Roxanne: So that time I completely destroyed Tess and Merrick is gone?

Oath: Oh… haha… um… about that *Scratches back of head with sweat bead on forehead* OH LOOK it’s time for Ulric to flex and complain….

…………………………………
………………………………………..


“ROAR… GRUNT…..” Ulric lifts a live Hippopotamus over his head while doing various sexy poses. “YIAAAA….. Where the ROAR is Kergern the lazy GRRRRR. Ill punch his head in with my Bol'shaya lapsha.”

Hippo grunts

"Shut up you! You speak lies!" He throws the Hippo and goes to find Finnan

-

“King Kergern” Skerick called. “The men are manning. Ulric says get yer lard ass in here before he pisses himself.”

“Ulric” Finnan whines “Why did you bring that girl? This was supposed to be a boys night.” he asked with scorn in his voice.

“She smells nice….” Ulric shrugs

“Ah, yes.” Finnan suddenly understands as the warrior next to him lifts a sweaty arm and screams taunts at the warriors across the field.

“I see your point….” Finnan waves hand in front of his nose

“You dare insult me!” A loud voice cut off Ulric from his retort. “You did not bring nearly enough strapping young men for me to thwack with my sword.” Geilf called stepping ahead of his men. “My need for violence will not be satisfied and I’m mad for reasons.”

“WELL I”M MADDER BECAUSE ITS IN MY CHARACTER PROFILE!” Ulric shouted from the backlines to the cheers of their men. “LETS KILL THEM ALL!”

“Calm your tits, man!” Finnan pushes Ulric.

“NO!! MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS THE BOYS TO THE YARD DAMN IT”

‘Wow I’m unnecessarily angry. Miena is doing a horrible job.’ Ulric thought just glaring at Finnan.

“What the Hel is this!” Geilf wiggles his fingers at Ulric and Finnan “The leaders of this army are squabbling children. Now you have given me an excuse to say ‘piss poor’ for the fifth goddamn time in this post!” Geilf’s men hollered with laughter as he turned to his men.

Finnan stabbed his blade into the ground and leant back against it folding his arms. “I don’t think he’s that funny. How about you Ulric?”

“‘Piss Poor’ is a lovely phrase. Oath goes too far.” Ulric agrees.

“I will pee on you two now.” Geilf suddenly whips out Puff the One-Eyed Dragon and relieves himself without any other warning.

“I really should have seen that coming….” Finnan facepalms.

Geilf scoffs “Thats close to what your mom said when she last clashed with these goods.”

Finnan drops sword and stepps back “Ah shit you’ve done it now, man.”

Ulric beheaded the fool with his bare hands like a badass with a scream that could frighten Hades. He then pulls the live Hippo out of the magic satchel and uses it to crush Geilf’s comrades by smashing it upside their heads with force. The Hippo lets out a prolonged grunt as it soars through the air to deliver yet another strike before Ulric throws it away and starts tearing into people with his bare hands. "DON"T INSULT MY MOOOOM"

Finnan tried to save some of his enemies for god knows why by being like “Bruh… take the L. You don’t want to play with him. He will fuck you up… where are you going… okay it’s your funeral… ohhhhhh that had to have stung…. Ulric did you really have to do that to his, oh dear.” he cringes but all in good fun.

After a few tense moments, enemies stop attacking and Finnan sighs, “Are you all done being idiots now? Because If there are any more idiots among you attack my comrade now. My crew has no room for any more dumbshits or piss poors.”

Once no one moved, Finnan was satisfied. He picks up the severed head and moved it like a sock puppet which was both needlessly violent and hilarious “Aw man.” he tips it down as if to look at his own body. “It seems in this case I have no leg to stand on. I’d better surrender before Finnan uses my head to make another poor piss dad joke.”

“Full surrender OK with you? You swear your allegiance to me and your men fall under my banner?”

“Sounds so good, I may lose my head!”

Entire army groans.

Miena appears out of nowhere and knocks the head out of Finnans hand. “ENOUGH DAD JOKES. And is it too early to say I told you so?”

“Oh look another reason to say piss in the same day! Piss off!” Finnan dismisses her. “Ulric has a temper whoopty doo.”

“He has PTSD that is brought on by this very day. You know... from the incident involving a hairnet and.... It’s very sad. And also you’re a dumbshit king.”

“Yeeeeaaaaaah” Finnan says sheepishly. “Anyway it doesn’t matter we won so thats what matters.”

Paige: Wow… that was a lot of violence that Oath didn’t want to cut to make funnier.

Oath: I tried there was just a lot of badassery T_T

Paige: WEAK

Oath: I know. Anyway, @Hope ask and ye shall receive. Now goodnight children Satan has to sleep sometime.

 

Oath: *slams through fourth wall* Hear ye, hear the fuck ye bitches.


*crickets*


Paige: snores


Oath: Hey!


Paige: *in sleep* the pig ate it…..


Oath: *creeps in close* awe she’s so precious when she’s sleeping. *roars so loudly the walls rattle and Paige falls off couch*


Paige: SON OF AN ORYX! *startled* who the heck are you?


Oath: It’s time to write


Paige: no seriously, who the fuck are you? Get out of my house.


Oath: don’t be an asshole. Go get the others.


Paige: Oath? What the hell it’s been like 2 years.


Oath: Bullshit. It’s been two hours.


Paige: no…. it hasn’t.


Oath: time just goes more slowly for you when I’m not around to light your life babydoll now get the others.


Paige: psh… please. We all had a great time without you people crashing in making us go through wars and shit. The others are gonna be pissed you’re back. *mumbling as she walks off*


Oath: We’ll see about that


*like two days later*


Paige: My perpetually 17 year old ass is getting too old for this


Voltair: you have no idea *Yawn* now what did you call us all back for Paige?


Oath: *Ahem* *crashes through fourth wall again* hear ye hear the fuck ye assholes. It’s time for another chapter.


Everyone: who tf is this bitch


Paige: remember those people? They are back.


Oryx: YEA! THE GLORY AND CARNAGE MAY CONTINUE! *thows ax haphazardly in pure jubilation*


Kable: *ducks just before the ax of pure jolly murderous intent would have lodged itself directly between his balls.* what people?


*the above text refers to his eyeballs you perverts.*


*someone dramatically yells “MY LEG” behind Kable*


Raven: hmm…. I guess some of you still aren’t able to see them huh?


Claire: what people? What carnage? I’m scared.


Ariana: are you even in this story anymore?


Claire: I don’t know T_T


Paige: ok everyon lets get back to the script.


Lilith: oh yay Oath is going to write about me this time *looking over script*


*enter Newgate sitting uncomfy at a normal sized desk*


Newgate: grumble grumble so much paperwork! My opening is even more boring than Atticus the creeper. All I do is write my name all day. *Writes “I’m gay” barely legibly on the signature line for the four hundredth time on the mountain of papers.* oh yeah and exposition about the other young children I am unwillingly adopting. I talk out loud about things for no reason. And I’m g-


Door: *opens to the sound of girlish giggles.*


Lilith: Dad!


Newgate: Blessed Be! *in surprise and alarm*


Lilith: I’m Gay!


Newgate: Ah yes Lilith my daughter who is gay and hot but also very strong. She makes the men hard and the women question their sexuality. If my daughter was not my daughter even I would possibly date her.


Ariana: do you realize you’re talking out loud?


Newgate: EXPOITION!


Lilith: IM GAY


Ariana: IM DRUNK UNDERAGE IN BROAD DAYLIGHT


Newgate: girls, obligatory dad scolding about not being drunk underage, hot, and gay at inappropriate places and hours of the day! you are supposed to be an example to those around you damn it


Ariana: sorry sir I cant handle Lilith because she’s too hot and gay


Lilith: IM blushing because Ari called me hot. But yes the incident. I steriotypically ruined a straight relationship with my main character powers to prove how gay and hot I am. I’m a good person!


Ariana: I helped. Because I was bored. I’m an asshole.


Lilith: The line I said here requires no altering. It makes fun of itself. So…. “That’s right! You love punching people!”


The girls laugh teenagerly.


Emperor: unamused dad is unamused. Do better be better. You can’t be normal teenagers because you are not normal and because I say so.


Ariana: sorry sir


Newgate: call me dad T_T


Ariana: but you’re not my dad.


Newgate: according to the law I am


Ariana: my dad is alive


Newgate: I know. It’s a weird law. Thinking of which go to the gates now. You need to welcome your new baby sister.


Lilith: new?


Newgate: yes. We have two new ascendant but for some reason we are only officially welcoming one. The other will enter with his own people and kind of just brood around the grounds.


Lilith: sounds good we will go now!


Newgate: excellent. And Lilith none of your shenanigans! She has had a hard day


Lilith: I wasn’t going to do anything!


Ariana: I’m totally going to do all the things to this new bitch.


Newgate: *sigh*


Door: *closes*


Saoirse: STOP!!!!


Oath: what!?


Saoirse: mom is sick. This next part of the post will have to wait.


Eerika: IM fine! Just give me a moment to- BLARG! *vomits lightning*


Oath: what a little bitch.


Eerika: damn period


Zamir: ew


Eerika: Shut up you should have been a period!


Haldor: and a facial


Saoirse: ew


Oath: fine! I give you a day to recover. And when I return you better have this shit under control


Eerika: you did this so you could cut the chapter short didn’t you you bitch!


Oath: silence! *disappears in a blast of chaos and evil*


Paige: bye! Always a pleasure we’ll see you in another two or so years!


Oaths disembodied voice: nope! Because I’m changing the formula with this shit


Paige: what does that even mean?


Oath: you’ll see :3