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My Aperant Life

Discussion in 'Archive' started by DarkAngel, Oct 26, 2011.

  1. DarkAngel

    DarkAngel Banned

    I am writeing a book but I need some advice on it...It will be comeing in chapters and I promis that each chapter will be done by the end of each weak if not sooner...please coment...

    Prologue​

    I sat there looking out the ship window, wondering what I did to get in this mess. I guess It all started with a few dreams and then went into something I could love. but I geuss all things must come to an end...besides who wouldn't want to ventuer to other worlds and...wait, wait, wait...I guess I should start from the begining...It all started when I was born...
     
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2012
  2. Reprise

    Reprise Semi-present

    Alrighty, constructive criticism time.
    I like. Although, it's kinda had to judge since I haven't a clue what the story's about yet.

    Well it's really appealing, it caught my attention. I actually wanna read on. Now... I won't give advice since there's not much I'd change, but I'll just...

    I sat there looking out the ship window, wondering what I did to get into this mess. I guess it all started with a few dreams and then turned into something I could love. But I guess all things must come to an end...besides who wouldn't want to venture to other worlds and...wait,I guess I should start from the beginning...It all started on the day I was born...

    I've changed hardly anything. I don't even know why I did that. Lol.
    Well I'll give advice every chappie from now on kay?
     
  3. DarkAngel

    DarkAngel Banned

    thank you much...it actualy is easier to read...here is my next chapter...

    Chapter 1:The Begining​


    I don't remember much when I was young but few things buged me then what with my mom trying to kill me and all. My earliest memories were of her and me fighting, she even tried to kill my dad along with me. I don't know why but maybe it had something to do with what I over heard them say. "WHY ARE WE CURSED WITH A SON LIKE HIM!?" I heard my mom ask my dad who simply replyed "It wasn't our choice...its not like we can controle what happens in our life. wheither he is from somewhere else or not he's still our son, and we can't controle what is going to happen to him when he grows up. he will be a hero though so don't forget that." Even thoguh my dad convinsed her that night it wasn't long before my mom took me and my two younger siblings away. it was hard for me seeing as I never wanted to leave my dad but even so I never forgot that night. by the time I knew it two years had passed I was in kindergarden plying the computer during nap-time, I never liked to sleep when I was young. all of a suden I see this bouton that said "CLICK HERE" so I did. next thing I know these images started passing through my mind, I saw what looked like spaceships going to strange and wonders worlds, I saw these demons that appered to be made of pure shadow and I saw a key that had a handle. I tried to touch the key but before I could I heard this voice in my head. "Your not ready Trio...you go now and you will die instently..." then with that I was back at the computer wondering what had just happend. Trio? I thought Who is that? then I looked at the screan. I turned to the teacher and asked "Ms. Teacher whats this?" she came to see it and gasped. I found out later that somehow I had gotten into the main offices computer from the one I was at. when They asked me what I did all I could say was "I don't know..."
     
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2012
  4. Reprise

    Reprise Semi-present

    Oh! A Kingdom Hearts book.
    I like- Seems promising. So in the prologue, he's in the spaceship that he was going to go in when he was in kindergarten? Kewl.

    :):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)
     
  5. Corbenik_979

    Corbenik_979 Member

    im not a critic but that was pretty goood
     
  6. DarkAngel

    DarkAngel Banned

    Well I am trying to work with it but its not exactly easy to tell every thing that happened...
    EDIT: here is the next chapter...

    Chapter 2:Clueless​

    The next thing I rember well is that I was in first grade and wondering down the halls of my mothers colloge. I had no clue why she took me on a weakend I had other things to do. anyways I was walking along when I suddenly here this voice out of nowhere. I here foot steps and all of a suden these two colloge boy walk into me. "Wacth where your going!" I snaped, but they just kept walking. Well atleast I know I ain't halusinating I thought, then I heard it agian, the same voice and the same word over and over. "Help?" I asked my self "Who would need a first graders help?" I didn't arguee I just ran after the sound of the voice. I stoped in a hallway that the voice sounded clearest in. "Help...Help me..." the voice said agian, I walked slowly listening for the voice to be right in that hall. I hear it as loud as it could get, inside a locker, my MOMS locker to be prosice. I ask them "Who's there?" then the voice reply's "Trio...Trio...help me..." the same name as before Could it be the same person? I thought, but I didn't hesitate I ran up to the locker and stoped for a moment. the dial on the locker came apart and showed me a combination that I didn't know, then it went back together. I twisted the dial to the combination for the locker, "...two...five...seven...nine!" after I input the last four digets I opened the locker, just to see that no one was there. I heard the voice agian. "Good luck in your futer battles young Trio..." it said, I turned around and looked all over but didn't see anyone so I asked to the air "Who are you? what do you want from me? and Why the heck do you keep calling me TRIO?!?!" then I hear books fall, I look over to see my mom with her mouth wide open. "How did you open my locker?" she asked with discust in her voice. I knew I was going to get the beating of my life but all I could say was "...I...don't know" I new I was lieing but I couldn't controle what I said. Whats wrong with me? I asked myself.
     
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2011
  7. TheKnightofAwesome

    TheKnightofAwesome /人◕ ‿‿ ◕人\

    ok, I don't like to be mean, but a KH fanfiction really can't be published. If maybe you changed it up a little to be less like KH but still maybe have the core ideas (a boy who came from another world who is meant for a great destiny) it would work better. Where this is going now it can't be published for copyright reasons.

    also, I recommend that you write your chapters separately in a word processor. I see a lot of grammatical and spelling errors, with a word processor you can just write it down, fix any errors, then copy and paste.
     
    Last edited: Oct 29, 2011
  8. DarkAngel

    DarkAngel Banned

    well I don't have Word prosecer and I don't plan on publishing this...
     
  9. TheKnightofAwesome

    TheKnightofAwesome /人◕ ‿‿ ◕人\

    I see, well when you said in the beginning "I'm writing a book" it implies that you planned to get it published. so I just gave my honest opinion based on that. If that's not your plan then by all means, continue.
     
  10. DarkAngel

    DarkAngel Banned

    thanks Knight...
     
  11. DarkAngel

    DarkAngel Banned

    here is the next Chapter...

    Chapter3:Teleportation?
    The next weird thing that happend was when I turned in a gang that I was a part of known as "The Bloodz Re:born". I admit I am someone that don't seem the type to join a gang but thats just who I was. anyways when the gang leader was fond of me considering that I was about 13 at the time. after I turned them in he wisperd in my ear. "This isn't over...just wait untill I go after Xion...you'll be the victum then not me..." after they took them away I was thinking about what he said, who is Xion? I asked myself. then I thoguht Is she the one who has been calling me Trio? the next thing I remember I was outside in the grass with my girl friend Lynette. I get up and look at the sky. Lynette gets up and asks me "Whats wrong honey?" I look at her and say "It-it's nothing...I was just wondering...what would it be like...if we actuly could go to other worlds like they do in Kingdom hearts?" I still remembered everything at that time. from the first time I saw the Kingdom Hearts game. I remember every game with the title, every character and I remember it is one of the things that me and my girlfriend both liked. "Now that I think about it...I do remember something that weirded me out Lynette..." just then I heard something in the shelter. "Whats that?" Lynette asked I got up and said "Lets find out..." we headed to the shelter and looked around for the sound. we couldn't see anything. just then this big ball of shadow passed us. we chased after it just to stop in front of a portal. the ball of shadow went into the portal and it started to suck us in me and Lynette tried to run but we got sucked into the portal. when we came to I was in the middle of a town with a big tower I scratched through my memorie and remembered, but it couldn't be...Could it? "Is this Twighlight Town?!"
     
  12. DarkAngel

    DarkAngel Banned

    Chapter4:My memories?
    I was walking in the dead of night to this castle looking school and it started to rain. I stoped in the middle of the rain thinking about my past. but all that came to me were images that weren't my thoughts. first came a discution between me and Sora. "...Yeah well...whatever..." I said in the memorie. "No! Not 'Whatever'!" said Sora. "You can always do whatever you put your mind to...even...if its change something in your past...always remember that...Trio..." after that, in the memorie, I got hugged by Sora. then more memories came to me. "Thats what I always liked about you..." said Kairi as she bandeged my wonds "...your always helping other...even if you get hurt from it." "I can't change your memories of the past..." Said Namine as she tried to stop me from makeing a big mastake "...But...I do know that only you can chage your futre." "Changeing who you are is just like learning magic..." said Aqua as We stood infront of the castle that she, Terra and Ventus lived in "...Just keep practiceing and eventuly you will get the hang of it." "so you can't change your memories of the past..." said Axel as we sat on the Twighlight Town claock tower "...that don't mean it can stop you in the presant...only you can hold yourself back." those last words raced through my mind over and over agian while I saw all of their smileing faces. that is until I remembered Rikus first words to him. "You always try to do the imposible and you wonder why you always end up dieing!!" he said as we stood in the secret spot on Destiny Islands. "Stop acting like such a Damn Kid!!" "You said you would protect me and my friends no mtter what and now Xion is dead!!" Said roxas who just got done beating Xion in their final fight. "What are you gona do about this?!?!" "Aqua nearly died trying to save your sorry ass!!" said ventus as we were standing in a room where Aqua was unconcios "And what do we have to show for it?! NOTHING?!" "Your only fooling yourself Trio!!!" said Terra "You think you can control the darkness inside you but you can't!! it will always consume you from the inside out!!! You shouldn't even be a keyblade wielder let alone a master like our master has made you!!" after what happend next I didn't find it hard to belive what Terra said. my next memorie started with my keyblade falling into the ground. then Xemnas turned around and looked at me. "I...won't give up...Xahenort..." I said. Xemnas shock his head. "You have proven to me...that you are nothing...and to me you willalways be a shame...WORTHLESS..." then as he walked away my anger grew grater then ever untill I finaly burst with Darkness. Then, evrything went black.
     
  13. Destiny

    Destiny Guest

    I haven't read the rest yet but from the first post a few things.

    One even know it's not part of your story, the introduction to your story explaining hey I wrote this story because blah blah blah part, it should have good grammar and words should be spelled correctly!!!! Writeing? Promis? Comeing? Weak? Really? Try writing, promise, coming, and week.

    Second prologue is supposed to catch the readers attention and also give hint to the story, especially since the narrator knows what's going to happen. Now certainly you do not want to give away too many details, but there for sure should be some hints as to what this story is about.

    Third this is in the wrong section and now I'm going to have to go bug a super mod or admin to get it moved. All stories should be posted in the Traditional Showcase section and in this case be posted under fanfics.
     
  14. DarkAngel

    DarkAngel Banned

    ok that would be my bad...I was looking for a place to put this and most of the people I asked told me to put it here...
     
  15. Destiny

    Destiny Guest

    Who'd you ask?

    Glancing through also again, the chapters aren't really chapters, they're kind of short. Also break it up, do not make all one big body of... words(it's not really a paragraph due to so many different topics within it) One thing to keep it neat is I'll start a new line with a new speaker.
     
  16. DarkAngel

    DarkAngel Banned

    well Luke for one...I also asked Knight, Key king...and...a few others aswell I just can't remember who...and thanks for the idea but I realy ain't writeing this to be publist it realy is more less for fun. so thats why it's all jumbled together...also I don't have word proseser so I can't get the gramer exactly right...
     
  17. DV8playa

    DV8playa New Member

    This... is kinda' rough. Here's some friendly advice: try writing direct fanfics first. If you're wondering what that is, it's when you take an already existing scene in a game/show/movie or whatever, and put it into your own words. For an example, check out my Luis Sera direct fanfic in the Traditional Showcase, under Fan Fiction.
     
  18. DarkAngel

    DarkAngel Banned

    Chapter5: Xion's Heart?
    The next thing I know I am opening my eyes and I am in a dark bedroom on a bed with curtens. I look to my left and saw someone sitting at the head of the bed. I sit up and put my elbow on my knee. "Something wrong?" I said looking at the person who then turned to me and smiled. In that moment moon light shined through the window from behind the clouds. the face that showed from the shadows was one I would never forget, Xion. She smiled at me like I was just a stranger. "No. I'm fine..." Xion said as she stood up and walked to the window. her dress made of silk gleemed in the moonlight. her black clothing matched the mood of the night just perfect. she sighed then looked over at me and said "But...I have been wondering...why do I exist...if there is nothing...for me here..." At that moment I could not belive what I had just heard. I may not have shown it but it I felt like she was basicly comiting suicide by saying what she said. I got up and walked over to her, then I put my hand on her shoulder and said "Of corse theres something for you here...you exist for a reason..." she shook me off and looked me in the eye as she said "How do you know?! oyur not me and you never will be!!!" then she tried to run but I stoped her and held onto her arm. "I Know because I have been in your shoes!! I understand how you feel and what your feeling!!!" There was a long silance before I said "I am here for you Xion...you of all people now that..." she looked at the floor and asked "...do you realy mean that?" I noded my head "I always do and always will..." then as if knowing what to do she losened her pull and turned to look me in the eyes. "Then stay with me...always..." then she leaned up aginst me and pressed her lips on mine. before we knew it we were makeing out in the moonlight.
     
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2011
  19. DarkAngel

    DarkAngel Banned

    Chapter6: Axel?!
    I come back to my body in the cold rain on that abandoned road. I look down from the moon and look around. I heard something moveing in the trees. I wait and listen, looking with all my sences. Just then I here a something flying through the air and pull my Two-become-one from under my other arm and fliped it around to protect my back from what looked like one of Axels wepons. It landed in the wet ground and desintegrated instantly. "Well hello there...Trio..." I heard as I turned to see Axel walking up to me. "Axel?" I asked "...I thought you were dead...you know saveing Sora and all..." I griped my keyblade tightly waiting for an attack. "You realy do remember what happend...I am so flatered..." he said sommoning his wepons. I grabed my keyblade with both hands and lifted it into the air. when I pulled in the two opposet directions it transformed into two keyblades, Obliviein and Oathkeeper. I stood up strait and a veil of darkness started rapping around me. "I see..." said Axel "...not much of a talker were you..." he put his wepons out to his sides and he started to be raped in flame. "...lets get this over with then shall we?" At the sound of a lightning strike we attacked eachother and a flash apeared, everything went wihte. The next thing I know I am standing above a fadeing Axel as he looked at me bleeding from his wepons being stabed into his chest. "...I geuss...you win..." he said "But I warn you...don't make this mastake...its what he wants you to do!" he sounded sencere but I didn't care, I lifted both my keyblades and slamed them into what was left of his fadeing body.after that I walked up a hill untill Cross Acdemy was in my sight. I looked at the school with firey hatered in my eyes and said "I won't let you death be in vain...Xion..."
     
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2011
  20. DarkAngel

    DarkAngel Banned

    Chapter7:Four on one.
    I walked down that abandoned road even more, each step takeing me closer to the academy. Then I here something...or someone...in the trees agian I stop and waited, the cold rain beating on my face. I look behind me with out turning my head and saw Riku walk up to me in the corner of my eye. then to my right I saw Roxas stick his head out of the trees, the same with Ventas to my left. Then I here someones foot land in a puddle in front of me so I look to see who else but Terra standing in front of me, his eyes didn't look happy. "I told you the why I am here and yet you still get in my way?" I asked frustration in my voice "Some help you are...you should be thanking me for this..." just then they all pulled out their keyblades and readied for battle. I sighed, "...guess its gona be the hard way..." I just stood there in the middle of all four of them wiating for them to attack. With a strike of lightning Roxas and Ventas chaged at me, their keyblades ready to stab me in the gut, I just stood there untill the last minute then juped out of their way as they stabed eachother and fell to the ground. I stood up and put my hand out to Riku. "The darkness is mine to controle..." I said as Riku started to attack Terra through my controle. the first chance they gave me I stabed riku in the stomace with my keyblade and he fell dead. I looked at Terra and we went at it the next thing I know terra had me on the ground. he lifted his keyblade and attacked I blocked it with mine and he went flying. at last I walked over to him and picked up his keyblade. he tried to run but it was to late. I threw his keyblade into him with out remorse. "TRIO!" I heard and I turned to see Aqua standing there in the rain.

    the next chapter: "Chapter8: Mercealess"
     
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2011

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